PERSPECTIVE

Episode Two

There was a white plastic bracelet where my Apple Watch belonged. I was stuck in a movie I wouldn’t have to watch for long. 

 

At least I hoped so. Nothing scarier than the moments that you don’t know. Eyes wide open, feeling like they’re both closed. Trying to heal in the hopes that I could go home. 

 

Literally lost and trying to find a way. Forced my mind to hibernate. Wonder how much time it takes to self diagnose a psychotic break. But I felt this before, and that’s a feeling that it simply wouldn’t help to ignore. I was scared as hell, almost worried I won’t share this well. Bear with me, it’s just a story that I care to tell. 

The depth of episodes isn’t something we state all the time. The lack of peace when you feel like you aren’t safe in your mind. Chasing my thoughts in circles and wondering how we got here. Take a look in the mirror and wonder why I am not there. Heartbreak. That was a feeling that I could not shake. 

 

Shelly held me while I tried to gather my thoughts. To no avail, I would just feel like I had it and lost it. Was sad and exhausted, but gratefully my dad and my mom did, everything they could to check me in while handled with caution. 

 

I hoped to never find myself in those walls again, stumbling down those halls again. Losing my balance had me feeling like I lost a friend. Myself that is, it broke my heart that there was no way I could help that kid. It’s tough to describe the feeling, it’s incredibly strange. Feels like you don’t have the clearance required to get in your brain. Access denied, was feeling like I crashed in my mind. Took so much energy to attempt it left me mad that I tried. 

 

I just want to be great. 

 

I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself. So sometimes I send a message to myself. 

All the stressing doesn’t help. Cherish everything you never would’ve felt. Know your story is a testament to tell. It’s a blessing in itself. And the answer isn’t questioning yourself. Don’t be lessened by the lessons, know your mental is your health. 

So maintain it. Once it happens, then you can’t change it. It’s great to be driven, but gotta stay patient. 

 

Life is balance. 

It’s quite the challenge. 

I’m getting older now and liking salads. And for the bread this Wonder Lands I’ll end up right with Alice. Simply lost in my thoughts, too exhausted to talk. And yeah today was kinda painful but I’m walking it off. 

 

That’s a home run. I’m Santiago on a gold hunt. 

 

The alchemy removed the doubt in me. Live happily, that’s how to be. Can’t stress this enough, I really love you if you’re proud of me.

5 comments

  • Happy birthday man !! You have such great energy , i love seeing you on Instagram smiling and on twitter cracking jokes ! Makes me happy to know God has you and is growing you into a beautiful soul . Many more blessings to you 🙏🏽❤️

    - boss
  • You’re such a beautiful person and your words show that every time you choose to share. I am PROUD of you. Grateful to call you my friend. You inspire me king 👑.

    Francesca
  • My heart aches for you! As someone who has Rapid cycling bipolar and have “dealt” with it for MANY years I know your hardship. Although you know me personally I know you didn’t know that bit of info about me. It’s no easy task but keep yourself focused, stay strong this will never break the AMAZING person I KNOW you are ❤️ Love you to pieces!

    Boss Lady
  • I just want to say i’ve felt like this before. And you hide it so well, i see you on IG and twitter happy about your podcasts but it sucks to hear that you feel like this . I went to middle school with you and you’re an amazing soul ❤️

    Ghost
  • I’m so sad to hear what you and your family are you through and at the same tine happy that your well enough to know when you heed hell! You have an amazing family to help you through this time! I hope that your words encourage others as you have this incredible inner strength! I pray for you through your journey! Blessings!

    Lourdes

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